Mother’s Day is for suckers. A scam run by reptilian hucksters, greedy for a quick buck. Mother’s Day will run over your dog, if you’re not careful. In case you naively think I’m exaggerating at all, consider the following:
- Pirates were invented on Mother’s Day
- Atlantis was sunk by the Mer-armies of Wisconsina on Lother’s Day (an early version of Mother’s Day)
- The Trojans gave the Greeks a wooden horse for Mother’s Day. Then invaded them.
- The pidgeon armies of Detroit gather every year in Orlando on Mother’s Day.
I will not speak on the rest of the atrocities carried out on the behalf of Mother’s Day. Although Father’s Day was created to fight the corruption of Mother’s Day it has been turned by her seductive wiles into a brutal minion of her dark reign. Our hope instead lies only in our ability to spread the truth. Mother’s Day will fall.
I love you Mom!
From time to time I get the notion to rip a random picture found on the internet completely out of context and write about it, funny style, purely for your amusement. That’s how much I love you.
We live in a rebellious time. College students protest nations intent on war with dangerous terrorist cartels. Union workers rebelling against their employers unless their demands, reasonable or not, are met. Older generations rebel against progress, unable, or too afraid, to change. Everyone has a fight to carry on, a cross to bear. My burden is a deep, personal conviction that will eventually change the zeitgeist of our generation. I rebel against front-facing baseball caps.
Friend, this is not easy. Like freedom marchers before me, I have had the frosty hose of discouragement turned upon me. People young, old, and bear alike call me out in public for my aerodynamic styling. You haven’t felt the sting of slight condescension like I have, and you never will. My tears run black with the mascara of a thousand bristles.
Long have I carried the mantle of the backsie movement (or reverse-wear as you may know it). It started in the late eighties, but now even pleather wholesalers discriminate against top-turners who merely want to exchange government secrets with small bears. This world is not ready for the efficient design my head displays. Are you?
Well, I’m gonna put my foot on the gas and close the door on all speculation. I’ve been running a clean ship for a dog’s age now, and I’ve got to say, all this rebuttling and kowtowing is just really destructive to the team spirit. Everyone knows that up-and-comer Fox Sports Net looks to be heir to the throne, but ESPN is still hot as a pistol, and looking for action on a Saturday night, with diamonds.
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Most people daydream sometime. I have to fight for peace of mind where I’m not daydreaming. Because of this, I’ve become quite effective at entertaining myself.
Today while following Monica home from the mall I started to daydream. Being the selfless, debonair person I am, I thought of what would happen if someone started shooting / chasing / hassling Monica and my only course of action was to somehow crash my car while jumping onto Monica’s in order to protect her. I heard about it happening on Oprah, so it’s happened before.
Obviously I would execute the maneuver without a hitch. All my training as a stunt car driver and jumper has to pay off sometime. But, let’s take for granted that I total my car while in the process of saving Monica. What then? Would my car, that I’ve paid for myself, be ruined forever? Isn’t that what insurance is for?
How would you file an insurance claim of wrecking your car in that situation? I think you’d have to file it under “Totaled my car while being totally awesome.” That should take care of all the red tape. So, my mind then went to the courtroom where the insurance company is disputing my claim of being totally awesome. You can’t dodge the real world.
After a long, litigious battle the only possible ending is to hear the plaintiff’s attorney argue “But, your honor, you can’t possibly allow someone to base a claim on being ‘Totally Awesome.’” The judge sighs and admits “I’m afraid I have no choice. The facts are indisputable. Mr Larsen totaled his car in the act of being totally awesome.”
Yes, friends, my life is good. Er, awesome.