Grand Larseny

Mother’s Day is for suckers. A scam run by reptilian hucksters, greedy for a quick buck. Mother’s Day will run over your dog, if you’re not careful. In case you naively think I’m exaggerating at all, consider the following:

• Pirates were invented on Mother’s Day
• Atlantis was sunk by the Mer-armies of Wisconsina on Lother’s Day (an early version of Mother’s Day)
• The Trojans gave the Greeks a wooden horse for Mother’s Day. Then invaded them.
• The pidgeon armies of Detroit gather every year in Orlando on Mother’s Day.

I will not speak on the rest of the atrocities carried out on the behalf of Mother’s Day. Although Father’s Day was created to fight the corruption of Mother’s Day it has been turned by her seductive wiles into a brutal minion of her dark reign. Our hope instead lies only in our ability to spread the truth. Mother’s Day will fall.

I love you Mom!

Life moves so very fast. Like a cougar or a leprechaun or something that’s really, really quick. You could say it’s like a flaming golden hawk with talons of ivory. The ivory talons represent modern man’s inability to understand nature, but that’s a topic for a different day.

Part of what keeps life so lively is rapid change in the technology we use. Because I’m arrogant young (yeessss, that’s the reason), I feel like I should have the world recognize how great I am by the time I’m 28. Since I know technology, I want to help define how the world uses technology, which means leading, if not being the originator, of the next technology revolution. The reason I share is that I recently ran across a quote from Steve Jobs, the head honcho over at Apple, that really opened my eyes to how change really works.

Things happen fairly slowly, you know. They do. These waves of technology, you can see them way before they happen, and you just have to choose wisely which ones you’re going to surf. If you choose unwisely, then you can waste a lot of energy, but if you choose wisely it actually unfolds fairly slowly. It takes years.

Read more here.

That concept, as I see it, is really great. There is no need to try and invent something new, whether as an idea or a product. The first phase of all truly profound changes is always boring. In fact, there are so many potential paths for the future to take, you will be boring if you try and add another new effort to the pile. Instead, figure out which change will be really great, and go with that.

So, just like you wouldn’t try and force fashion change upon the world by wearing shoes made out of badgers, the best course of action is to evaluation the way things are changing and take the best course. Like seeing how cool a fedora can be, then making it interesting and cool. But not a badger-dora.

From time to time I get the notion to rip a random picture found on the internet completely out of context and write about it, funny style, purely for your amusement. That’s how much I love you.

We live in a rebellious time. College students protest nations intent on war with dangerous terrorist cartels. Union workers rebelling against their employers unless their demands, reasonable or not, are met. Older generations rebel against progress, unable, or too afraid, to change. Everyone has a fight to carry on, a cross to bear. My burden is a deep, personal conviction that will eventually change the zeitgeist of our generation. I rebel against front-facing baseball caps.

Friend, this is not easy. Like freedom marchers before me, I have had the frosty hose of discouragement turned upon me. People young, old, and bear alike call me out in public for my aerodynamic styling. You haven’t felt the sting of slight condescension like I have, and you never will. My tears run black with the mascara of a thousand bristles.

Long have I carried the mantle of the backsie movement (or reverse-wear as you may know it). It started in the late eighties, but now even pleather wholesalers discriminate against top-turners who merely want to exchange government secrets with small bears. This world is not ready for the efficient design my head displays. Are you?

Found from The Onion, via Daring Fireball. I don’t know if I’ve ever found an article that really expressed my feelings about the Super Bowl as well as this hard-hitting piece of journalism.

“I just couldn’t imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey,” said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots’ sheer loathsomeness during the season. “The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that’s what we got.”

Full Article Here

I can’t believe I’m quoting the pro-drug, permanent frat-boy Joe Rogan, but he really nailed it. When doing comedy, you start out telling jokes you find funny. When that wears off, you start telling jokes you think they’ll find funny. When that doesn’t work any more, you finally just tell life through your eyes. Telling the funny parts helps, of course.

What’s Joe Rogan got to do with you, you ask? No idea.

There are so many blogs; so many different and ultimately boring oceans of text. They all talk about the author’s life, what the author cares about, or something equally unimportant. I’ve never wanted to do that (although I suppose that statement is self-defeating), so that’s why I try and mainly do stories for anyone to read. Anyone know a better purpose for a website like this?

Anyone out there know of any really good conversation fodder? I mean the type of fodder that will keep a nine year old conversation going. The type of interesting anecdotes that will engage a listener after you just finished talking about the color of grass for two hours. I’ve got nothing.

That’s one really frustrating part of life, to me. It’s so easy to run out of things to talk about. Times where the thing you want most is to really connect with someone and finally have the time, but you were so focus on making the time you forgot you’d need something to connect over. I believe that’s what they call irony.

Then again, talking about anything seems interesting after talking about grass.

I’m here at the lake with kate and ella. They are the funniest two things you could ever imagine. One minute they’re running a million miles an hour chasing each other, the next they’re asleep. What’s even more funny is that they forget all about running and playing outdoors as soon as I go inside. Then they switch into good, old, never-leave-your-side dogs. I’m sure the prospect of food has nothing to do with it.

At the same time, though, I did drive an hour out if my way to go back and get my wallet on the way down here, since I packed super-lite and forgot it. The prospect of no money for food did have something to do with it.