Grand Larseny

Welcome, and thank you for purchasing this informative book on electronic phosphors! Today we will be dealing with one of the most simple process imaginable; typing.

Just look around you, typing is all over the place. Someone typed in the instructions for your VCR whose clock you never programmed, but that’s OK. Someone typed in the schedule for Backwater Bass Fishing on the who-gives-a-care channel. Why, even my secretary is typing this document for me! No, Susan, don’t write that; I don’t want to sound lazy.

When typing, keep in mind the four T’s of typing: tempo, tips, taps, and teeth.

Tempo is the most important aspect of typing, which is why it comes first. Tempo relates to the number of keys struck per second. A good typist will aim for a clear, constant tempo. The benefits of a constant tempo include the ability to gently lull enemies to sleep.

Tips touch keys. Fingertips, that is. Never use anything but your fingertip to try and type. Science has proven that the only purpose for fingertips is typing. Don’t try to argue, it’s science.

Tap the keys. We’ve seen many a novice typist attack a keyboard between sobs drunk with anger. Keys respond to kindness, love, and care just like everything else. Tap the keys like you would a rabid badger, with care and precision.

Teeth are in your mouth. Don’t type with them.

That is all. We’re glad we have answered all your questions relating to typing. Watch for the next installment of our handy guide to the world, where we tackle the realm of whale boxing.