Grand Larseny

Most people daydream sometime. I have to fight for peace of mind where I’m not daydreaming. Because of this, I’ve become quite effective at entertaining myself.

Today while following Monica home from the mall I started to daydream. Being the selfless, debonair person I am, I thought of what would happen if someone started shooting / chasing / hassling Monica and my only course of action was to somehow crash my car while jumping onto Monica’s in order to protect her. I heard about it happening on Oprah, so it’s happened before.

Obviously I would execute the maneuver without a hitch. All my training as a stunt car driver and jumper has to pay off sometime. But, let’s take for granted that I total my car while in the process of saving Monica. What then? Would my car, that I’ve paid for myself, be ruined forever? Isn’t that what insurance is for?

How would you file an insurance claim of wrecking your car in that situation? I think you’d have to file it under “Totaled my car while being totally awesome.” That should take care of all the red tape. So, my mind then went to the courtroom where the insurance company is disputing my claim of being totally awesome. You can’t dodge the real world.

After a long, litigious battle the only possible ending is to hear the plaintiff’s attorney argue “But, your honor, you can’t possibly allow someone to base a claim on being ‘Totally Awesome.’” The judge sighs and admits “I’m afraid I have no choice. The facts are indisputable. Mr Larsen totaled his car in the act of being totally awesome.”

Yes, friends, my life is good. Er, awesome.