Grand Larseny

Hopefully someone out there remembers Underdog, the superhero dog in the disguise of a reporting pup who got his name because he wore his underware on the outside of his pants. It was a cartoon. Stick with me here.

To fill in the blanks for the rest of you, I just want you to picture another feat of super-canine proportions; that of John Kerry’s platoon dog, Uberwoof* the ninja-dog.

*Uberwoof may or may not be its real name. However, I’m pretty sure the rest of this is true.**

**That may or may not be a flat out lie.

That’s right, boys and girls, gather round the fire that John Kerry has made by burning truth to ashes for ~25 years to listen to this harrowing tale of intrigue and suspense! As John Kerry, who was 8′15″, 345 lbs. of pure musscle at the time, was drifting silently down the Ptooniniaonoinntoniinasioaotsaoing River in Vietnam, renegade Vietnamese guerillas ambushed his little raft made of bamboo reeds and good-ol-fashion elbow grease with 500 pounds of explosives and two deadly rats.

Well, upon further inspection Mr. Kerry has decided to amed the story, saying that the rats may have already been on board the ship with them, as that’s ALL they HAD to EAT in the hot, languid forest of VIETNAM. But, they were still death rats.

In any case, Uberwoof’s first response to the explosives coming towards the ship was to cut their heads off, being a ninja and all. That’s just what ninjas do. But, alas, the nuclear powered explosives had no heads to cut off. So, he did what any loyal ninja-dog would do; he flipped out and started jamming on his guitar. Once those sweet, docet tones hit Jonny-boy he hit the ground, paralysed by the sound.

The explosives hit, Uberwoof goes flying in the air, but is he scared? NO! I should cut your head off for doubting! Count yourself lucky no true ninja would ever want you as a friend, or you would be in exactly 2 pieces right now. Not 3, not 2.4; 2.

No, Uberwoof simply keeps on rocking as he does a double backflip, half-calf, no whip, double shot landing on the nearest rat infested raft, where he proceeds to flip out on all the death rats, cutting off heads as he will.

And that, my friends, is the story of Uberwoof. Very similar in many ways to Underdog except that:

- Uberwoof was a ninja
- Uberwoof rocked harder than you ever can
- Uberwoof survived being shelled by the Vietnamese, flying through the air, and landing on another boat. Something that many people would say is impossible.

Rock on Uberwoof; rock on.

-D Out